Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
??? part 2
Yeah, I'm really sorry I can't be more detailed but I only get to play internet for a few minutes at a time.
Actually, the marriage isn't over. He doesn't want it to be because he doesn't want the rest of his life ruined by child support and alimony. (SO romantic, no?) So all I want to do is stay in bed and stare at the ceiling and he's constantly bugging me to talk about my feelings and I'm ready to go apeshit crazy because really? I'm not so much for the talking about the feelings. He doesn't understand the depression and craziness and I don't feel like explaining it - hey, there's a feeling.
Also I have this crazy urge to call the guy he caught me with to see if he's still alive. He got hit in the face and head about twenty times with a Maglite, so it's possible he isn't, and I'd like to know if I'm some sort of accessory to murder. You know?
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
What a week.
He caught me going at it with is (now former) best friend. It was bad. The blood was not figurative, it was real and very very hard to get out of the white carpet. I had a bleach buzz for hours. He went to his dad's house, where he was talked out of returning to kill me (he really wanted to, apparently) which made my decision to go hide at a friend's house a good one in hindsight.
He came back, though, and he made me promise to get counseling and to quit drinking and you know what? I want to do those things but I don't really know if I want to do it for the purpose of having him back. I really just want to stay in bed for ten years or so.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
Okay, this time I got caught. I told myself that maybe I should cool it with the being crazy and slutty seeing as how I'm married and all, but I didn't and now I got caught. There's blood everywhere and I got caught and this is bad bad bad bad bad. He said he'll call me after work tomorrow. Crap.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
Look, I have a moment!
But by the time I typed the title, it was over. Oh well.
I'm exhausted. And now I'm so broke that even my cell phone got shut off so I have no contact with the outside world at all. Eeeeeek is that ever annoying. I have the car today so I could at least drive to the internet but yesterday? I sat in my house and prayed that the boys wouldn't break any bones since it would be a cold ride all the way to town on a tractor. One of them would have to follow me in the power wheels monster truck since the tractor only seats two...but on the plus side I know for sure nobody is going to interrupt my nap with a phone call. (I almost peed myself laughing about that one - like I get a nap!)
The husband keeps asking me what's wrong. Apparently I'm acting strangely. I'll never tell him. I think my ulcer is bleeding.
Friday, December 02, 2005
I still have no internet at home. I would think that would kill me but you know what? It totally doesn't. I have no phone, no internet, no cable, no nothing and it's really not so bad. It gives me lots of time to sit and think about what I want to do with my life and how I can fix everything that I've fucked up so badly in the past few months. Some of it I want to fix and some of it I'm sort of glad I broke, you know?
My kids are trapped in a washing machine box and I can't tell if they're pretend fighting or really fighting. I think it's pretend. Oh, yeah it is because I just heard somebody say something about a fart. The joys of boys.
I want to apologize for abandoning my online life... my real life got a little too real and it's pretty scary. Writing here or at dland used to help that but now I've done some things I can't even admit to myself, much less post for all the world. You can read about it in my novel... Can you believe I'm actually writing something other than this drivel? It's still drivel but it's different drivel and it's fiction but it's sort of based on fact even though I would never admit that. I think the play fighting just turned into real fighting. Gotta go.
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Really, I am.
I bought a new car and that helps - not having to drive a hunk of crap while all the other soccer moms get Expeditions and Tahoes and shit. I cut down on the drinking a little and surprisingly, that helps. What else...yeah that's all. Baby steps.
I started writing a book. It'll probably never come to anything but if it does, wouldn't it be neat?